Here's a list of the most funny, witty, cheesy and hilarious one liners that I
came across during one of my browsing session.
Enjoy reading!!!
These are the top 100 selected by me:
1 I'm a
humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
2 If sex is
a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
3 Why is it
so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
4 Virginity
is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone..
5 Sex is not
the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
6 Light
travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear
them speak.
7 We live in
a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8 I asked
God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and
asked for forgiveness.
9 A bus
station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my
desk, I have a work station...
10 Men have
two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a
sandwich.
11 Light
travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear
them speak.
12 War does
not determine who is right – only who is left.
13 If I
agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
14 The early
bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
15
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed
regularly, and for the same reason.
16 Children:
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then
you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
17 I want to
die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling
like the passengers in his car.
18 Knowledge
is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
19 Evening
news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why
it isn’t.
20 The
future will soon be a thing of the past.
21 My mother
never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
22 I didn’t
fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
23 Whenever I want to fall in love with my books my bed seduces me.
24 A
computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
25 If God is
watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
26 Better to
remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
27 Accept
that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
28 Some
people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help
smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
29 How is it
one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a
campfire?
30 Did you
know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
31 A bank is
a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
32 Why do
they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
33 Never,
under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
34 To steal
ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
35 A
computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
36 I saw a
woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
37 Why does
someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when
you say the paint is wet?
38 A clear
conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39 The
voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
40 Good
girls are bad girls that never get caught.
41 Women
will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
42 Laugh at
your problems, everybody else does.
43 The
shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
44 Whenever
I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I
put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
45 He who
smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
46 The main
reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
47 I didn’t
say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
48
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
49 God must
love stupid people. He made SO many.
50 Behind
every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is
usually another woman.
51 The sole
purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in
trouble.
52 Never get
into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
53 Always
borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
54 Never hit
a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
55 My
opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
56 Some
people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them,
beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have
the element of surprise.
57 Some
cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
58 It’s not
the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
59 Crowded
elevators smell different to midgets.
60
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish
they were.
61 You do
not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
62 Nostalgia
isn’t what it used to be.
63 I
discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great
white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
64 A bargain
is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
65 My
psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay,
you’re ugly too.
66 I intend
to live forever. So far, so good.
67 Money
can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
68 A
diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will
look forward to the trip.
69 We have
enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
70 You’re
never too old to learn something stupid.
71 I
should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After
all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
72 A little
boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father
replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
73 With
sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
74 Women may
not hit harder, but they hit lower.
75 Knowledge
is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
76 There’s a
fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
77 I don’t
trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
78 Worrying
works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
79 Why do
Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss
America?
80 I always
take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
81 If at
first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
82 I used to
be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
83 When in
doubt, mumble.
84 I like
work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
85 To be
sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
86 Jesus
loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
87 A bus is
a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
88 A TV can
insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
89 Circular
Definition: see Definition, Circular.
90 I got in
a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the
floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I
said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
91 Some
people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination
whatsoever.
92 You are
such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was
only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
93 When
tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses
water.
94 Eagles
may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
94 Hallmark
Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
95 Sex at
age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
96 Change is
inevitable, except from a vending machine.
97 If
winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
98 If you
keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
99 If you
are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one
child.
100 Life is
a sexually transmitted disease.
Please do leave your comments...thanks!!!
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